Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The last 2 months

I need to vent, and what better place than here. After my "disappearing" message I had a nice chat with DH. He seemed to actually understand my bitterness. I wrote him a nice letter, left him some flagged pages in a marriage counseling book and then actually talked!  We were going pretty good for a bit, then the roller coaster hit! He still refuses to see any kind of counselor and quite honestly I'm not sure that I could do it.
I have started my "exit plan" just in case. I took the advice given to me and set up my own accounts that I am putting some savings into. I contacted two lawyers and have them on speed dial. I divided up everything on paper. I even came up with a semi custody agreement. I will use these things when I need to. I have not made the "full" decision to leave him. I struggle with it every day. I make lists of pros & cons, I try to play out every scenario and still I want the man I married to come back. It hurts to know that man will NEVER be back. Even though he some times shines through the crazy man I live with, HE will never be back. The new man has ruined so many of the good memories. It is hard to imagine any good memories in the future, but I have hope.

DH went to his endocrinologist and the doctor wasn't even sure of what kind of insulin my DH was on!! Are you kidding me!! I went with him and told the Dr. what he was on, and the doctor said no. However after getting a little loud with the Dr., he check his notes and found that HE changes DH's insulin two months prior. Not that it really matter because DH stop taking it anyway. The Dr asked my DH if he was trying to kill him self because he wasn't taking any of the insulin. DH promised to do better! HAHAAHHA yeah right!  His A1C was 13.8! DH told the Dr that he was checking his sugars everyday and he thought he was doing better. Sure the Dr said better than 7 years ago when your A1C was 16, but just 2 years ago you were down to a 9. THEN the Dr told me I HAD to help him take care of his sugar. I of course had to tell the Dr that i HAD to do no such thing. My DH is a grown adult and is responsible for himself. He knows he needs to check his sugar, take his pills, and take insulin. I will NOT do any of it for him. This got into a crazy argument between the three of us. I had to leave because I had had enough. This is his disease not mine!!

He actually started checking his blood sugars in the morning!! He said the he was taking the correct dose of insulin, but.... he lied. He said that he checks his sugars at work, although I'm not really sure how he does this as he brought that meter home and never brought it back to work. I (as much as i hate to) try to remind him to check it before dinner and to take insulin. This does not always work because that would mean he would have to get up and actually DO something. His sugar has been at an average of 250 fasting in the morning.  Yeah and he thinks that's good!! He just randomly takes insulin and his recent sugars have gotten as high as 498 this past week. Can you say FUN!!  But he's trying right??

I ran into a co-worker of his last night (while he was in the bathroom) and she was telling her friend that I will get into Heaven just because I am married to DH! I said (in my sarcastic voice) what are you talking about??  Keep in mind that this woman, who has worked with DH on & off for 10 years, was telling that my DH was a difficult man to deal with. WOW! I mean, I knew this, but I thought that *I* was the only special one to see his "special" side. Well I guess he's Mr. Mean at work too!!  This is the 2nd co-worker to have told me this!!

Anyway we continue to "live" together and have our stupid pity arguments. I will deal with it for a little longer so I can build up my bank. It's said to say but I hope for death almost every day (for him not me). I realize that is a terrible thing to hope for, but in my reality it would really be for the best. I feel like a terrible person for even writing that here, but I needed to get it out!

I have been keeping up with every one's blog and my heart goes out to each of you wives!

Thursday, April 28, 2011


As you can see everything is gone....

I tried to talk to DH last night while the kids were out. He lasted about 5 minutes before he started yelling. When I asked him to TALK to me he only got louder. This all got started because I went some where with out him and he doesn't remember the conversation when I told him  I would be doing so. I made plans to do something else with out him and his only reply to this (via email) was ... "i will see if anyone would like to do something with me". This just made me angry!! I tried to explain that IF we could do something without fighting I would gladly do something with him, but even a night at the movies is becoming a pain in the A$$!! I told him what does it matter, if I was home, you would just be sitting in your room without me anyway!! His response.... he said that I NEEDED to "tend" to him because I wanted to, not because he told me to! WHAT???? Then he said "was this your plan to move in with your mother and leave me with nothing" ???? WHAT??? What does ANY of this have to do with me going out for dinner with my girlfriends next week??? Who knows. Could it have been his blood sugar making him crazy,or could it be he's just got issues? Either way clearly we need to sit down and have a LONG talk about us... Now it's just about finding the right time when he will remember it and NOT start yelling!!

I have no idea what he ate all day, but when he got home from work he ate left over Chinese food (pork fried rice, beef teriakyi, and what ever else. For dinner he thought a Jim Dandy (5 scoops of ice cream and all the fixings) would be great for dinner!! Then at about 10pm he thought it would be good to have a cheese sandwich (toasted grilled cheese) and 2 slices of buttered toast and a big glass of OJ.  And he wonders why his sugars MIGHT be off (not that he checks them). He has been out of some pills for almost a week now. I told him he knew how to pick up a phone and follow the instructions to order more, it was not my responsibility. He has not done that yet. So who know what his sugars are like!!! He hasn't taken his insulin in months!!

Anyway I have decided 2 things, one is I am going to find some kind of counselor, and 2 i am making a plan to get out of this married if he will not see the counselor with me. Don't get me wrong I still love him, but this is not a healthy relationship. I have to figure out what is going to be the best thing for my kids. I know fighting him for custody is going to be hell, but I am willing to go to hell and back for my kids.  So until I figure out what I am really doing, i am going to lay low.

I keep reading everyone's blog and check them daily. When I am reading, I feel like I was writing it. It amazes me how much we have in common, strangers with a common bond. I will delete my blog (in a couple of days) because I don't want DH to find it, because it will come up in my discussion.

So THANK YOU ladies for your stories, they keep me going. I will try to keep in touch.